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1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at maths.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6. Never answer an anonymous letter.
7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of 'Smart'?
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Campers: nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
18. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
19. There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
20. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
21. Nuke the Whales.
22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
30. You can't have everything; where would you put it?
31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Editorial: Probably the most thought-provoking one-liner is 'Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.' It's sad but true - no matter what you do, you will die. This is because you have sinned against God. Let's see if that's true: Have you ever lied (even once)? Ever stolen (anything)? Jesus said, 'Whoever looks upon a woman to lust after her, has committed adultery already with her in his heart.' Ever looked with lust? If you have said Yes to these three questions, by your own admission, you are a lying, thieving, adulterer at heart; and we've only looked at three of the Ten Commandments. How will you do on Judgment Day? Will you be innocent or guilty? You know that you will be guilty, and end up in Hell. That's not God's will. He provided a way for you to be forgiven. He sent His Son to take your punishment: 'God commended His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.' Jesus then rose from the dead and defeated death. God promises everlasting life to all to all those who confess and forsake their sins, and trust in Jesus Christ. Please do that today . . . you may not have tomorrow. See John 14:21 for a wonderful promise. Then read the Bible daily and obey what you read. God will never let you down.
33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
34. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
35. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
39. My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
40. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
41. On the other hand, you have different fingers.